Ever been cheated on? I have. When I was 21, my ex-boyfriend later told me he felt like a trophy to the woman he cheated with—used and tossed aside. I believe that was my first and closest encounter with a mate poacher—someone who actively pursues someone already in a committed relationship.
Infidelity is, unfortunately, a common experience, and my heart goes out to anyone who's endured it. The allure of the forbidden and the thrill of the chase can lead some to pursue those already committed, a phenomenon known as mate poaching.
Research suggests mate poaching is more prevalent than we might think, with 30-50% of individuals having attempted it. A significant 10-20% of new relationships even originate from mate poaching.
In this blog, I discuss who these poachers are, what makes them tick, and how we can protect our hearts. I also suggest what to do if you find yourself involved in this complex situation, either as the poacher or the poached. In the end, I share resources you can use to learn about the phenomenon at your own pace.
Research paints a picture of mate poachers as often narcissistic, rule-breaking, thrill-seeking, and charming extroverts.They desire what they can't have, and being "taken" is part of the appeal. Here are some red flags:
Relationships born from mate poaching often face unique challenges. The initial excitement leads to disillusionment, jealousy, and conflict. Due to the fast-paced nature, these relationships can even involve elements of trauma bonding. Trust is also fragile, given the circumstances, making these relationships often short-lived and unstable.
It's important to note that mate poachers vary and they might not be conscious of their behavior or impact. Some simply seek the thrill, others low-commitment encounters. Some want a quick fling, others play the long game. They can be insecure, seeking validation, or opportunistic, exploiting vulnerabilities. Understanding their motivations and recognizing early clues helps assess potential threats.
I did not know that the range of behaviors that individuals use to protect their romantic relationships from potential threats is called mate-guarding. Here are some common mate-guarding strategies:
As you may already know, mate-guarding strategies vary based on individual personalities, relationship dynamics, and cultural norms. Their effectiveness can also differ depending on the specific situation and the nature of the potential threat. You get to pick and choose which strategies best apply to your relationship.
If, while reading this, you realize that you're the mate-poacher in many or most of your relationship dynamics, it's time for some self-reflection. Do you chase unavailable people? Love the thrill of the forbidden? Disregard boundaries? If so, consider seeking professional help or digging deep into why you’re drawn to such experiences and drama in your life. It could stem from various factors, including low self-esteem, addictions, or untreated psychological or emotional traumas. I personally label this behavior as unhealthy because it's highly anti-social and disruptive to social cohesion and the well-being of others. It also doesn't lead to a long-term, nourishing, and loving partnership. It's akin to reckless driving—it might be fun and exciting, but you endanger yourself and others, and accidents are bound to happen.
If your partner was poached, the relationship probably ended very quickly. This immediate rupture can bring a lot of confusion and grief. It's like only yesterday you were building a future together, and now you're alone. The world you lived in was shattered. It can be traumatic and will take time to recover.
Also, your partner might come back once the poacher discards them, and that can be really difficult to navigate. Doubts and worries surface: should I take them back? The trust is gone, how can I let it go and move on? It's okay not to, and it's okay to take time for yourself to heal from the betrayal and see where you're at once the pain has subsided.
It's also crucial to understand that in a poached relationship situation, it's not your fault. This was not your doing. It was the action of an individual who saw an opportunity, a vulnerability, and they took it. Just because they could. Not because of you.
This hurts, and it's okay to grieve. Lean on friends, family, or a therapist. Set boundaries with your ex, and remember, it's not your fault. Focus on self-care and healing.
One thing led to another, and voila, an innocent conversation/meeting/flirt snowballed into a full-blown affair. You were swept away by this person. You thought it didn't mean anything until it meant everything. So you switched teams, and now you're in a new relationship with this exciting person who has left you on read. You can't get hold of them anymore. You know they have a wandering eye, and you're filled with anger and shame. It was so fast, and you don't even know what you were thinking. Now you're by yourself, grieving the lost relationship with your long-term partner, the life you had together, and the novelty that this new person promised you at the very beginning. It feels like a complete defeat. It's depressing...
Feel your feelings, but also reflect on your role in the dynamic. You'll soon realize that they used you and discarded you the moment you surrendered and became available. The moment you opened up, they were gone. You were played, and that's okay. It happens to the best of us.
Set boundaries with the poacher, talk honestly with your partner (if you're still together), and seek professional support to help you with the immense feelings of guilt and shame. Eventually, you'll learn to forgive yourself and grow from this experience.
Here you can learn from some prominent studies done on mate poachers:
Remember that you deserve a relationship built on trust and respect. Stay informed, and protect your heart!
Disclaimer: This blog post was written with the assistance of AI. While every effort has been made to ensure accuracy and provide valuable insights, it is not a substitute for professional advice. If you're struggling with any issues related to this topic, please seek help from a qualified mental health professional.
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