Situational Vulnerability: It Could Happen to You (and Probably Has)

How often do you really reflect on your vulnerability in any given moment? We go through life on autopilot, thinking we're in control, but the truth is, we're all vulnerable at different times. And I'm willing to bet that if you're honest with yourself, you've experienced this vulnerability firsthand. We just don't always recognize it for what it is. When something happens, we tend to blame ourselves, our past, or our perceived weaknesses. But sometimes, it's simply about being in a situation where our defenses are down, and someone—someone we trust, someone we love—takes advantage. Let’s talk about situational vulnerability and how it can impact even the strongest among us.

Let me share a bit of my own experience. At 23, I stumbled into the Radical Honesty movement. It sounded fantastic – a world where everyone tells the truth, all the time. As an inherently honest and social person, it felt like a dream come true. I was young, inexperienced, and naive, but, most importantly, I was vulnerable. I'd just moved to a new country, barely knowing anyone. I was working a part-time job I didn't love, studying something I was lukewarm about, and feeling lost and alone. That's situational vulnerability in a nutshell.

A guy with utopian dreams approached me, promising me a purpose, a community, a way out of my misery. He saw my vulnerability and offered me what I thought was a lifeline. I was skeptical at first, but he was persuasive. Looking back, I can see the red flags, but at the time, I was desperate and had no one to talk to about it. It wasn't about being stupid or gullible; it was about being human. It was about needing direction, about wanting to believe in something bigger than myself. It was about being open to anything that could give me a way out and forward.

And that's the thing – vulnerability isn't a character flaw. It's a human condition. It's that moment when you're not at your strongest, when you're feeling lost, insecure, or overwhelmed. It could be a bad day, a bad week, a bad year. It could be anything. And predators, whether they're grifters, scammers, cult recruiters, or abusive partners, are adept at spotting those moments.

Throughout my career as a coach and Radical Honesty trainer, I've seen a disturbing pattern. More than half of my clients and workshop participants were suffering from abusive relationships – with partners, parents, siblings, or colleagues. They were good people, often incredibly strong people, who found themselves in vulnerable moments, manipulated by someone who knew how to leverage momentary weakness to their advantage. They felt hurt, betrayed, angry, and I, in my misguided attempts to help, encouraged them to “reach forgiveness” so that the cause of those feelings didn’t have to change. It felt like a superpower to change yourself and be independent from environmental factors, but I was wrong. None of that work was actually beneficial in the long-term. It simply perpetuated the cycle of abuse by placing the burden of responsibility solely on the victim.

It took me years of education and reflection to fully grasp this. As coaches and therapists, we're trained to be non-judgmental, to remain neutral, to support both sides. But I've learned that this "neutrality" often benefits the oppressor, the controller, the abuser. I was wrong to try to help everyone equally in those situations, and I've encountered clients who were abused by their coaches and therapists – professionals who, like my younger self, failed to recognize the dynamics of abuse. It's heartbreaking, and I'm committed to doing better.

Those who benefit from this “neutral” approach might think they were simply being supportive. They fail to see how "equal" support in an unequal dynamic reinforces the power imbalance. When I eventually became trained to address the symptoms of attachment and developmental trauma, I realized that by remaining neutral I was often re-traumatizing people.

The Radical Honesty movement, with its twisted logic of "retraumatization" as a path to healing, is a prime example of how vulnerability can be weaponized. It's a dangerous and damaging approach also used in other personal development and pseudo-psychotherapy movements of the time (read "The Dangerous Delusion of Radical Honesty" on Medium). These movements, often with cult-like characteristics, employ manipulative techniques and emotional overwhelm designed to break down defenses and create situational vulnerability, making people susceptible to indoctrination.

And let me be clear: the responsibility for manipulation lies squarely with the manipulator, not the person being manipulated.

So, what constitutes momentary vulnerability? It's more common than you might think. Moving across the country to live with your new boyfriend who promised to take care of you makes you vulnerable. Earning lower wages makes you vulnerable. Having a disability makes you vulnerable, mental health issues, like chronic anxiety or depression, make you vulnerable. Being an immigrant makes you vulnerable. Being a woman makes you vulnerable. Being a person of color makes you vulnerable. Being autistic or having ADHD makes you vulnerable. Being in a polyamorous relationship makes you vulnerable. Intoxication makes you vulnerable. Housing crisis or not having healthcare makes you vulnerable. Attending spaces where vulnerability is invited and encouraged makes you vulnerable. Leaving a high-control group or an abusive relationship makes you vulnerable. Being an empathic person in a high-status position makes you vulnerable. Being an adolescent makes you vulnerable. Being elderly makes you vulnerable. Being a single parent makes you vulnerable. Having no or less information about the situation that affects you makes you vulnerable. The loss of a loved one, including your pet, makes you vulnerable. This list is not exhaustive, but it illustrates how widespread situational vulnerability truly is. Can you relate?

The truth is, we're all vulnerable at some point. The key is to recognize it, to understand it, and to build our defenses. Don't wait until it's too late. Don't wait until you're the one sitting in a therapist's office, trying to piece your life back together. Educate yourself. Trust your gut. And remember, you are not alone. You are worthy of love, respect, and safety. And there are people who want to help you find it.