How Your Wish to Appease May Be Fueling Contempt in Relationships

This time, I want to talk about the surprising link between feelings of contempt and the urge to appease, and how this combination can significantly impact your relationships, even leading to breakups.

What's Fawning?

Remember last year when I wrote about fawning? It's that hidden, autonomic nervous system response to stressful situations where you feel scared, there's a power imbalance, and you become overly nice and cooperative, even to your own detriment. Another way to describe fawning is a habitual attempt to appease the situation by abandoning yourself.

Imagine saying whatever you need to say and doing whatever you need to do to get out of a situation safe and sound. Can you relate?

Generally, appeasing is an excellent relationship skill when it doesn't stem from fawning. Sometimes, it's difficult to distinguish, however, you can tell you're fawning when you feel resentful and violated once the threat is gone.

Skillful appeasing occurs in an equal relationship and feels good for your sense of integrity. In contrast, fawning feels like you were held captive and had no choice but to submit and compromize your agency. It feels unfair.

What's Contempt?

The Gottmans, renowned relationship therapists and researchers, introduced "the Four Horsemen of Relationships" concept—the four indicators for divorce—"contempt being the single greatest predictor of divorce." It is a complex emotion characterized by a feeling of superiority and disgust towards another person. It often arises from a perceived lack of respect, value, or consideration.

Surprisingly, psychologists have noticed that the constant urge to appease—a fawn response—can trigger contempt in relationships.

When one partner consistently fawns, they signal to the other that their own needs and feelings are less important, while simultaneously expecting their partner to recognize their sacrifices. This leads to a negative cycle of being taken for granted and feeling unappreciated and unacknowledged in relationships.

Here's a deeper look into how fawning breeds contempt:

• Loss of Authenticity and Increase of Distance: When one partner consistently fawns, it creates a facade of agreeability that hides their true feelings and opinions. This lack of authenticity erodes trust and intimacy, creating emotional distance and separation. This in turn inhibits empathy, and makes it difficult to see and acknowledge each other's efforts.
• Lack of Boundaries: The fawning partner, in their eagerness to please and appease, often struggles to set healthy boundaries. This can lead to feelings of being overwhelmed and violated as they consistently sacrifice their own integrity. In some cases, they may disassociate from their own feelings of disgust about themselves and project it onto their partner, further fueling contempt.
• Erosion of Self-Esteem: Fawning chips away at one's self-esteem, making them feel insignificant and taken advantage of. Paradoxically, this can trigger a defense mechanism where the fawning partner compensates by inflating their sense of self-importance and exaggerating their contributions to the relationship, further widening the emotional gap and creating a sense of superiority.

How to Break the Cycle?

‍While contempt is a serious issue, it doesn't have to be the end of your relationship. It's important to understand that fawning is an automatic response to stress, and that contempt is what happens once it has snowballed without any balance in check.

This is what you can do if you're the fawning partner who experiences feelings of contempt:

• Learn Your Signs of Contempt: eye-rolling, interrupting, ridiculing, mocking, sarcasm, put-downs, etc. are all important indicators of feeling superior.
• Learn How You Respond to Stress: When do you fawn? In which moments? What happens afterwards? How do you deal with feelings of resentment, disapointment and disgust? Notice when contempt arises and track the pattern so you can learn from it.
• Talk to Your Partner: Once you have some data, dare to have the hard conversation. Share your feelings, needs, and any resentment in a healthy way. This is also a temperature check for your partner: can they empathize with your struggle? If your partner feels contempt, then your feelings of inferiority may start to make sense, as you might have internalized your partner's perception of yourself. In that case, your partner needs to work on their feelings of contempt and their own urge to please and appease, while you need to work on strengthening your sense of self.
• Set Boundaries: Practice saying "no" and set limits on what you're willing to do. This will be scary and disorienting at first. You will need help and healthy reminders in moments you forget about yourself. But with practice, you'll get better. Once you see the pattern, you cannot unsee it. Then it's just a matter of learing how to live with it in a new healthier way.
• Prioritize Self-Care: Take time to recharge and focus on your own needs. Consider informing your partner when you need to share relationship responsibilities equally. Involve your partner in your self-care routine to learn about their willingness, limitations and capacity.
• Seek Professional Help: A trauma-trained therapist or relationship coach can help you address the underlying causes of fawning and develop healthier coping mechanisms.

Contempt is an unhealthy coping mechanism with your own insecurities that might be easy to track on the surface level, but the real work is much deeper. Looking at fawn response means facing your existential threat of losing relationships, being unlovable, and left alone in the world. It's not an easy thing to do.  Therefore, I recommend working with a professional first before tackling it on your own.

If you feel contempt without the urge to please, look into the reasons why. Consider whether biases or external factors, like addiction or family history, may be influencing your feelings. It's okay to explore these reasons and find what resonates with you.

If your partner has feelings of contempt towards you, please be informed that nobody can treat you with disrespect, especially not your own intimate partner. It's okay to take appropriate action to create distance and re-engage again when your partner is commited to changing their attitude and behavior. I cannot stress enough the importance of having a professional support in this.

I want to remind you that a healthy relationship is built on mutual respect, understanding, and the ability to authentically express your needs and feelings. You deserve to be in a healthy relationship. I'm here to help.

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Please Note: While the personal experiences and perspectives shared in this blog post are my own, I utilized AI assistance to refine and enhance the writing. The AI helped with grammar, clarity, and structure, but the core ideas and message remain mine. It's important to remember that this blog post is not intended as a substitute for professional advice; if you're facing any challenges in your relationship, please seek guidance from a licensed therapist, counselor or coach.