Over the last few months, I've been grappling with personal stressors and seeking ways to heal. One discovery that's captivated me is "fawning," a trauma response that's often invisible to others but deeply damaging. Fawning is about prioritizing others' needs and opinions to the extreme, even if it means sacrificing your own well-being. It's a sign of a power imbalance and can leave people vulnerable to emotional abuse.
My goal with this blog post is to raise awareness so you can recognize fawning in yourself and those around you. By understanding this response, we can prevent unnecessary pain, manipulation, and self-betrayal. Hopefully, we can empower people to stand up for themselves and express their needs more freely.
The graphic from the National Institute for the Clinical Application of Behavioral Medicine (NICABM) shows six common trauma responses. "Please & Appease" is what we often call "people-pleasing" in everyday language.
People-pleasing involves putting other people's happiness first, to the detriment of your own. It's characterized by a strong need for approval and a fear of conflict. While there are positive aspects to being considerate, people-pleasing can become harmful.
People-pleasers tend to be overly accommodating, always striving to make others happy. They struggle to say "no" and often sacrifice their own needs. They fear disappointing others or being rejected, leading them to constantly put others first.
This behavior can lead to resentment, anger, and frustration when they feel taken advantage of. The constant effort to please can also lead to burnout, exhaustion, and feelings of isolation.
Furthermore, people-pleasers may feel pressured to hide their true selves to gain approval. This lack of authenticity, along with difficulty setting boundaries, can make it hard to form healthy relationships.
People-pleasing often stems from childhood experiences in environments that didn't support healthy emotional development. It's a survival mechanism triggered when your nervous system senses a threat – usually a person who has power over you or whom you depend on.
If you grew up constantly adapting to others' needs, you might have internalized this as your personality. This makes you a prime target for people who want to exploit your kindness.
Examples of fawning can include:
Fawning is not a conscious choice; it's an automatic nervous system response. The key is to recognize the cues and identify what makes you feel uncomfortable.
Fawning often distracts you from healthy aggression or the ability to say "no" when something doesn't align with your needs. Relearning how to feel and express those "ick" feelings – disgust, repulsion, discomfort – is crucial. Validating your own experience is the first step towards breaking free from fawning.
Hailey Magee explains the steps to setting boundaries when you're fawning.
Remember: It's a journey to prioritize your own needs while still caring for others. Be patient with yourself, and don't hesitate to seek professional support if you're struggling.
Disclaimer: I write my content with assistance of AI technology. It is for informational purposes only and does not constitute professional therapy or clinical advice. If you are struggling with mental health issues, please seek guidance from a qualified professional in your area.
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