Craving Deep Friendships? Unraveling the Science of Bonding

Have you ever read Matt Kahn's quote, "People can only meet you as deeply as they've met themselves?" It's thought-provoking, isn't it?

Let's explore the need for deep friendships and why some crave profound connections while others stick to surface-level interactions.

Finding friends as an adult can be challenging. Unless you have kids, pets, or are still close to your high school buddies, establishing lasting, meaningful friendships can seem like an uphill battle. This is especially true in diverse cultures with varying values. There's merit in finding ways to relate to people without always needing intense, craving feelings. It's okay to enjoy connections over seemingly superficial topics and have friends who appreciate lighter conversations.

But for some of us, when we engage in conversations, we often yearn for more depth. This is because we associate depth with a higher intensity of bodily sensations. We link pain and pleasure to the depth of our discussions and friendships. That's why we're drawn to personal, intimate topics – we relate to them, and as we inquire, we feel the pain and the pleasure that follows.

It's similar to why we watch movies – different people are drawn to different films because they touch on various pain points and allow us to soothe that pain. When we watch these movies with someone who shares similar pain and experiences the same soothing, we bond.

The Science Behind Bonding

Some researchers suggest that difficult experiences, especially pain, build strong bonds between people. When we experience pain, our bodies release oxytocin. Oxytocin helps soothe the pain, and when we share our painful experiences with others, we begin associating those people with those memories and experiences – eventually turning them into sources of pleasure.

It's fascinating how many survivors of abusive situations end up feeling grateful for those experiences. Positive or borderline magical thinking is the effect of the soothing chemicals released each time we experience pain. These chemicals encourage hopeful thoughts and give credit to the people who were with us during those painful moments. We start to view them as heroes in our stories. These reactions are all ways we cope with pain and trauma.

After enduring intense pain, we start to feel like survivors. We sense a depth within us – a knowledge that we've faced physical, emotional, and psychological pain that few others have. In the process, we gain profound wisdom about human experiences, especially pain, and how to cope with it.

Most survivors often feel isolated in their experiences until they meet someone who understands that depth and perspective on life that comes from surviving pain. I believe that people who crave deep friendships are the people who can contain a lot of intensity in their bodies, and they enjoy the release of pleasure once they tap into that pain.

Balancing Depth with Acceptance

Now, here's the twist – wanting depth isn't a bad thing, but demanding that people always be deep with you could be a form of sadism. How many personal development junkies have you met who are on a mission to create more "deeply feeling people" in this world?

Friendships, like any other relationship, are built on trust. Trust isn't something that sprouts overnight; it takes time to develop. And the primary way we nurture trust is through shared life experiences – all kinds of experiences.

If you're struggling to find deep friendships, consider that your biology might be a factor. The biology of linking depth and genuine connection with high intensity, pain, and the pleasure that comes after it. But also remember the importance of balancing the desire for depth with acceptance of lighter connections and superficial topics.

I think you might have known this, but I just wanted to remind you today, just in case you needed to read it or your friend who's struggling right now might need to hear it.

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Disclaimer: I write my content with the help of AI. My content is educational and should not be interpreted as professional medical advice. If you are struggling with mental health, please seek help from a licensed professional in your area.